Our Van

On May 22nd, as I was taking Caleb to school, a car rolled past a stop sign into the side of our van. I will always remember the loud noise and the screeching tires and the look on the faces of the kids. Thankfully no one was injured but it sure was scary. The other driver was insured so I have spent the last few weeks working with them to get our accident resolved. After the insurance adjuster took her photos and measurements she left me wondering "repair" or "total loss". It is a total loss! I don't know how I am supposed to feel about this. We bought that van when Caleb was around a year old. It is the van that we used for many years as our only vehicle. All the trips taken, all the memories that centered around that van. Then there were the repairs. Last night I found the papers from where we had the lifters replaced, the 100,000 mile tune-up that resulted in buying a new engine. I had just replaced both headlight casings within the last year. The air filter that was almost impossible to replace... but between Jake's muscle and my skinny fingers we always changed. The stains I had just cleaned out of the carpet and seats. The cd player that was messing up. The rear windshield wiper that only worked for the first week but the car place would not repair because I bought it as-is. Both good and bad memories. But being faced with giving up something that we have had for so long it feels weird. Now we face the what-if's. What if the new car we have to buy, with the small amount our van was worth, turns out to need repairs in a few months? What if we are faced with replacing another engine or transmission or some other big part? Is it better to buy a cheap used vehicle that may break down in a few months or make a nice downpayment on a newer vehicle that we know will not need repairs for years? Ever since we bought our van I have not enjoyed car shopping. I feel like we were tricked into the van and so now I am scared of car lots. When Jake bought his used Honda I thought it was great because we did not pay much for it so we were not scared of future repairs. When Jake decided that he wanted a newer car I supported him but he understood our limit and found a new car we could afford, but he pretty much took care of this himself.

Now I am faced with making the decisions. I have to pick out the vehicle that I will use to drive my kids around. Do I get a smaller more fuel efficent vehicle, another van, or an SUV? I guess once we have the insurance check and we look at some vehicles my mind may feel better but right now I am confused. I guess we really have until the end of the summer to find something because we can share a car during the summer.

This morning the tow truck came to haul the van off to a dump somewhere. It makes me sad because it still ran. It's not like the engine was destroyed. Now it will sit in a dump somewhere collecting rust. I need to look at it like our van is an organ donor. It was not safe to drive so it had to be put to sleep. It's parts will be stripped and sold to people who will be able to fix their car for a cheaper price than buying new parts. It will help others. Silly I know but maybe this will help me feel better.